Learning to Love Myself

As a mom I want to know that I do not want to scar my children in any way! I know as a mom of a tween girl I really don't want to give her some sort of complex about how she looks or how much she weighs. Because I know it isn't how we look but how we act, do for others, and live our lives that be our legacy and how people remember us.

WELL this can be very difficult when it is something I have personally struggled with pretty much my entire life. No, not that I have struggled with my weight per se but I have struggled with the perception of how I look think I look to others and myself. My brain tells me my self-worth is not in the number on the scale or the size on my jeans. But internally something else tells me I need to be a specific number.

For the record: I do NOT own a scale. I can't! It is a sickness and I will be the first to admit if I had a scale I would weigh myself every single time I passed it. Yes I know I am crazy!

Like most others my weight has fluctuated over the year due to having kids, getting older, just life. I am 90% happy with where I am right now. I am more focused with being more tone than losing any weight.

15 and this is what I looked like when Michael and I met (yes I realize I was a girl not a woman yet)

Yes, this is me pregnant! What can I say, when you are only 5 ft tall there is nowhere for that baby and stuff to go but out (all over lol). This was me pregnant the second time. I did really good with my weight gain considering everything (and all my complications and bed rest) 29 gained with Cody and 25 gained with Haley. Michael says he thinks I am the most beautiful when I am pregnant (aren't I lucky!) I told him I am sure I could just look pregnant hahahaha!

 

This is me and Cody I am 21 years old and only a couple of months away from getting pregnant with Haley!

OK - so seriously I can't even believe I am putting this picture on here because I would say this is when I felt at my worst (appearance wise). I am visiting Michael's grandmother with the kids Haley was only about 6 weeks old and Cody was 19 weeks old. Obviously I haven't lost much of the preggo weight yet.

I LOVE this picture! Not because of how I look but because it was such a special day and this picture was not posed for. Michael had found a flower and he was placing it in my hair. We lived in Puerto Rico and my parents were visiting so we were taking family pictures.

Christmas 2006 - 13 years after we met.

Fall 2010

Fall 2010.

Now, I have to say that since this last picture I have probably gained about 5 pounds ):  Now I know in the grand scheme of things this isn't bad and it isn't much and if I worked really hard I could get this back off. I would classify myself as a lazy, obsessed person about my weight. I do have the drive and dedication at times but like many I don't want to give up some of the stuff I like. I can maintain at a decent weight by not having to do too much (yes, again I realize I am lucky in this - It's not like I don't understand the struggles that some people go through to lost just a little bit).

HOWEVER, I am trying to teach my kids it is really about being healthy. Having a healthy mind, body, and spirit. All of it is important. People really do not love us because of how we look, they love us for who we are. I know this, I try to live this, but for those of us that have this terrible little voice in our heads it is a constant battle. No, I do not want to look like I did when Mike and I met. I just want to be healthy, feel healthy, and be happy with myself.

I do love myself. I love the person I am and I know that I have a big heart and I wish the best for others. Now, if I could just mute that terrible little voice that tries to tell me what size jeans I look best in that would be great! My kids are the best - they don't see the jiggle, muffin top, thunder thighs, whatever kind of word you want to use. They see Shanna the mom, the one that loves them unconditionally. For that I am grateful and I know that I need to let this leash that holds me down go.

If nature had intended our skeletons to be visible it would have put them on the outside of our bodies.  ~Elmer Rice